Beauty in the Breakdown
“Dissolution”, a process painting by Jenny Hahn ©2015
In these surreal yet extraordinary times of the continuing pandemic coupled with the simultaneous uprising for racial justice in our country, I have struggled with what to say and how to show up. I have noticed a myriad of emotions ranging from fear and uncertainty, to guilt and despair, to—at times—outright hopelessness.
Here is what I am learning: I thought that my eyes were open. They were not … there is always more to assimilate. From this awareness I commit to making my awakening and action-taking a lifelong practice for the benefit of Black, Brown and Indigenous lives ... and for all beings on the planet.
Being an artist is a continual spiral of seeing into the nature of the world (and of the self) and engaging with whatever emerges for expression. It’s a simultaneous inward/outward process. Sometimes, the stars align and the rush of creativity overtakes us, resulting in inspired production. Those times feel incredibly fulfilling and in the flow. But there are other times when the doing is done and there is a holy pause. A time for reflection and re-evaluation. A breathing space that feels like everything and nothing all at once.
Right now, I am at a pause. I am a sponge; learning, absorbing.
Many of us already had our habitual routines interrupted by the spreading of COVID-19. The pandemic has caused me to slow down and take a deep metaphorical breath (while the phrase “I can’t breathe” echoes hauntingly in my mind.) I take an even deeper dive into noticing the ways I have overlooked the suffering of others—a suffering that dates back hundreds of years to the times of my ancestors. It is painful to bear witness to and can shatter the self identity … but it is necessary. I am working to take off the blinders of my conditioning.
In a recent conversation with a friend, we discussed how life-as-usual is paused and it feels like things are collectively “closed for remodeling”. The pause invites us to take inventory and ask ourselves what’s working and what is not—both personally and globally. As life is interrupted, I sit with these questions: What has shaped me as an artist, and what have I taken for granted? What drives me? Why am I here on this planet and what is mine to give? How can I support the development of a more just and kind world? And: What is mine to create next?
The path of the art mystic is one of perpetual shedding and becoming. Shedding of falsehoods to become even more of what is true. This is the process of growth so many of us find ourselves steeped in at this collective moment. I am holding space for myself and others to dissolve our falsehoods and reemerge with greater wisdom, truth and understanding.
I am a work in progress.
Beauty emerges out of the organic matter of a breakdown. The pristine lotus flower only blooms because of the mud in which it is rooted. If you, too, feel that you are breaking down, I invite you to be very gentle with yourself and allow all the uncomfortable feelings to be present. Notice if there is grief present, or shock, or overwhelm, or uncertainty, or anger, or rage, or sadness, or confusion or hopelessness … As difficult as these feelings are to experience, they are a necessary part of the process and will provide the mud out of which a new truth will arise.
Growth is messy and usually takes longer than we think. It requires trust in ourselves and in the process, when we cannot yet see the end result but are guided by the inner impulse that knows there’s beauty and awakening ahead.
So here I am, stumbling along this path with humility and openness. The work has only just begun. I hold the vision in my heart of a future that works for all. And an eagerness to discern how to best use my gifts to help create it.
