Global Trauma and The Activation Of Old Wounds

“Holding my own truth and light…even in the middle of a storm of chaos, pain and uncertainty. What is true?? I AM”

From my earliest memories I have known I was adopted. I was told from the beginning that I was lucky and special because I was chosen to be part of the family and that I was loved by my parents just as much as any blood related child would be. Growing up I wanted for nothing and with the exception of being raised in a fairly emotionally unavailable family, things were pretty good.

So why did my physical body contradict this at every turn? Some of my earliest memories are of stomach pains, so bad they’d keep me awake at night. Moving into my teens and early twenties I still had the stomach aches (eventually diagnosed as irritable bowel disorder) with the added bonus of feeling unwell and disconnected most of the time. And although I didn’t realize it then, I had lots and lots of anxiety - AKA “worry wort syndrome”.Moving forward into my 30’s and 40’s the physical symptoms were becoming too much to ignore - arthritis in my back and neck causing vertigo at the worst points.

And now, here I am in my early 50’s with an autoimmune disease doing its best to wreck my thyroid. Clearly my body has been trying to tell me something for decades.

So, why am I bringing this up here? Because I am just now, as I teeter on the brink of my 52nd year, understanding that I have been holding onto a very real trauma that started the minute I was born - separation from my birth mother. I didn’t even know it was a thing until several months ago when I began listening to podcasts by adoptees and reading books and blogs on the subject. After this, my entire life made much more sense and I realized my body was growing weary of trying to hold it all together. Even after 20+ years of processing, personal growth and a bio family reunion, I had barely scratched the surface of this primal wound and knew I still had some work to do to release a lifetime of trauma held in my body.

I had just begun researching this as well as working with it using art making, writing and somatic exploration when 2020 hit. The world felt uprooted. The perceived safety of life gone in an instant and the fresh trauma of this year began triggering my old trauma of deep loss and not feeling safe. Grief was making a huge appearance in 2020 for me and activating my wounded infant.

I bring this up because I know I can’t be alone. Many of us have deeply held trauma that is now becoming reactivated by the events of 2020. Perhaps on a grander scale, this is happening so more of us can look at and transmute those traumas. I still feel in my heart that we are in the early stages of a great transformation as humans and it’s quite possible we’ll need to have a “lighter load” as we continue on in the coming years of change. But even more importantly, we need ways to take care of ourselves as we are meeting and working with our grief and trauma as the world reactivates what we’ve been holding in our bodies.

There are MANY modalities of healing and it will be up to the individual to determine what is best. Of course creativity - art making, dancing, cooking, writing and music making - is a big one for me. Creating helps us ground in the moment and can actively help transmute grief and trauma. It’s also important to have a safe space to explore things and to share with others.

The world needs us to heal on her behalf. We are needed, all of us, to help usher in the new. We can’t do this for very long while holding on to our individual and collective trauma and grief, it becomes immobilizing. So take care of yourself - however that looks for you and know you are not in this alone.